Offending and Mending ? communicating.across.boundaries

At one point while living in Cairo we were hunting for a flat on the island of?Zamalek. After a day of searching, walking endlessly down dusty streets and alley ways, we were tired and had seen some of the ugliest apartments imaginable.

We had just walked up 8 flights of stairs and, on a scale of ugly to uglier to ugliest ? this was the ugliest flat we had seen. My husband and I were getting increasingly more frustrated, feeling the cross-cultural disconnect of trying to communicate what we were looking for in a flat, so when the man showing us this particular flat asked us if we liked it, ?my husband looked at him and said clearly?No. This flat is the ugliest flat I have ever seen??(With a toilet seat cover made of a deck of cards and a kitchen that resembled a tiny sauna, it was) Quickly we realized he had insulted the landlord, mistaking him for the bowab, a man who guards the front door and asks for baksheesh (a tip) once a month.??You don?t like my flat???He said in a loud and puzzled voice. We had the grace to pause and look at each other, suddenly realizing that he had committed a no-no in apartment hunting in Cairo ? insulting the landlord. But we were tired and defeated, so my husband said emphatically??No ? we don?t like your flat. At all.??and off we went. Once back on the street we took one look at each other and burst into laughter. It was?completely inappropriate given we had just insulted our host but we couldn?t stop. The incident was only one of many times where we realized we had a lot to learn about living cross-culturally.

The reality of living cross culturally is that there are times when, despite our best intentions, we offend. ?Sometimes its pure ignorance, other times it?s because we are tired, and still other times we are in a cultural conflict and don?t even care that we are offending. If we have never offended, then I would suggest that we have not crossed over those important relationship boundaries and are spending too much time with those who are exactly like us, rather than boldly engaging those who are different.

These moments can be great for a couple of reasons. ? One is that we learn from them; they are our most teachable moments in cross-cultural living and communication. ?The other is that once we heal from the discomfort and sometimes painful residual effects, they are great moments of humor.

In a recent workshop I used the phrase ?Offending and Mending?. I made it up on the spot and I like it. It recognizes the reality: We will offend. But the phrase goes further, also recognizing?the importance of knowing the culturally appropriate way to mend the offense in order?to move forward in relationship.

Mending is often as simple as being willing to admit I am wrong and taking extra care and effort with the relationship in the future. ?Other times it?s as complicated as paying a visit and sitting in discomfort until the atmosphere thaws and we suddenly feel like all is made right.

I believe cross cultural adjustment is analogous to language learning. There are supposedly two types of language learners; those that immediately begin practicing with the little they know, despite making mistakes, and those that wait until they have the perfect sentence structure and then go and try it out. Supposedly the first group learns far quicker. I would say the same is true in cross-cultural communication. There are those that go out and build relationships without knowing everything, making mistakes and learning in the process; and those that study until they think they have it all correct, determined to make no mistakes. I would argue that there is no way they can get it 100% right all the time and that they lose a lot in relationship building in the process.

What do you think? What are your stories of offending and mending? This is a great topic to learn from each other so please share your stories!

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Source: http://communicatingacrossboundariesblog.com/2012/03/22/offending-and-mending/

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